My heart is healed

This is a blog post about spider dreams, feeling vulnerable, not setting boundaries, reading the right book at the right time, and the healing power of Reiki.

It started with a dream I had last night. I dreamt I was back in my childhood home as myself at my current age. I was having a shower, and my mother had driven up to the garage, honking her car horn for me to come out to greet her at the garage. I rushed out of the shower, half-dressed and still wet. I felt very vulnerable being so exposed, yet I reacted almost on instinct, to run out of the shower to heed her call. I then find myself in my childhood bedroom trying to escape through the window, but there is a spider web in front of each of the two window openings and the large central glass panel. In each spider web sits a spider. I wanted to kill the spiders but realised that if I were to spray insect killer on one web, it would reverberate to the others, and I wouldn’t be able to kill all three spiders at once. One or two might scurry away while I’m focused on one. The dream ended when I, as the dreamer, realised that this dream symbolises how trapped and vulnerable I feel when thinking of my mother (there’s a long back story here which I won’t go into). The dream ended there.

When I told my husband about the dream, he pointed out something I had missed entirely. He said that anyone else would have finished their shower, dried themselves, dressed and only then left the bathroom, but I dropped everything immediately with no regard for myself. In other words, I have no boundaries when it comes to her. The fact that I had not even realised that when analysing my dream was shocking to me. It didn’t even occur that my feelings of vulnerability in the dream were my own doing – I had jumped out of the shower in a state of panic just to please her, leaving myself exposed!

I mulled all of this over for a while, knowing that I had to get out of her web and start setting boundaries. I picked up the book I had been reading for the last two weeks: Reiki for Life by Penelope Quest. It was the first time in a week that I had time to read again and had completely forgotten where I had left off.

The chapter I was reading was “Using the Symbols with emotional and relationship issues”. The technique I was meant to read next was a self-treatment “for letting go of blocked feelings or unhealthy attachments”. I mean, really, how amazing! I know Reiki’s timing is always perfect, and we get what we need precisely when we need it. Still, every time I see evidence of that in my life, it’s just so amazing and fills me with so much gratitude and respect for this incredible Divinely Guided Energy.

For this self-treatment, Penelope Quest suggests that you include visualisation of something like a small cloud of grey energy, representing your emotions about the situation, being detached and floating up through your energy field to be released to be healed by Reiki. When I imagined the grey cloud, the words anger, resentment, and guilt came to me as the things I needed to release. I saw the grey cloud go higher and higher and eventually disappear, replaced by a beautiful clear blue sky. I felt so much lighter! The word “guilt” popping up for me was actually a surprise. I hadn’t consciously known that it was something I had to release – I was certainly aware that anger and resentment needed to go – which means that guilt was something that, on a much deeper level, the soul level, I knew it had to be released.

After the clear blue skies appeared in my vision, my hands, as if by themselves, moved to my heart chakra (hands on the heart chakra is not part of the technique described in the book), and after a few seconds of sending Reiki to my heart chakra these words came to me: 

My heart is healed.

I cried for a little bit, but it wasn’t tears of sadness as much as it was of release and then happiness.

It feels wonderful to have finally fully let go of those deeply held negative feelings and the unhealthy attachment. I’ve been on a Reiki journey since obtaining Level 1 in April 2021, and I’m sure this experience is part of that journey towards becoming who I am meant to be.

My heart is healed and I am grateful.